Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
