Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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