____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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