What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
