I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
