her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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