Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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