So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
