I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
