I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
