Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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