Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
