I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
