dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
