Screwed.edu
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
