Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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