a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
