I'm pants shitting drunk right now
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
