I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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