So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
