sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
