i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
