Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
