There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
