You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
