remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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