I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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