Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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