John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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