Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
