I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
