Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
