I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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