good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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