Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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