i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
