How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
