Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
