Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
