is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
