and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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