Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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