drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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