Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
