Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
