As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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