You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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