I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
