I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Boobs are out for the taking
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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