You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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